DUI Humour

Beer Trouble Shooting

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it as them.

Symptom: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
Fault: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don’t remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

DUI News

Fitness Model Arrested for Robbery Becomes Internet Sensation

A fitness model was arrested Wednesday on suspicion of robbery, but it’s his hunky, off-the-clock photos that are making headlines.

After leading police on a dramatic car-and-foot chase, David Byers, a fitness model in Solana Beach, Calif., was arrested Wednesday in San Diego for allegedly robbing the same Riverside Chase bank twice and one Cos Cob Citco gas station, both located in Connecticut.

According to local news site Greenwich Time, Byers, who was in possession of a handgun, will be charged with three counts of robbery, two counts of larceny, and a felony count of reckless endangerment.

This isn’t Byers’s first encounter with the law: According to Greenwich Time, in March he was charged with burglary, grand theft, and driving while intoxicated; and in 2016 he was arrested on unknown charges.

Source: Fitness Model Arrested for Robbery Becomes Internet Sensation

Drunk Driving Defense Opinions (Incomplete Chats)

What Should I Expect Upon A 4th (or more) Conviction

I get a number of chats about what to expect. The easy answer based on sentences is 0 to 16 years in prison, because this is the range of sentencings to date. I hope the individuals who ask these questions are promptly meeting with a defense lawyer as soon as possible, because delay could reduce the chances of getting a result at the lower range of the scale.

DUI Humour

The FDA is considering additional warnings on alcoholic beverages:

Some of the suggestions are as follows:


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.


WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.


DUID-Marijuana-Rx-Illegal Drugs

Whitesboro woman accused of driving impaired with bus full of kids | WSTM

A Whitesboro bus driver was arrested on Saturday after driving a bus full of kids while impaired by prescription drugs, according to New York State Police.Troopers and DeWitt police pulled over 46-year-old Michele L. Daly on Route 481 north, just before exit 11 after the kids on the bus called 911 for help. Several students reported that the bus driver was driving erratically.After speaking with Daly, troopers found that she was driving under the influence of prescription medication. She was taken into custody and now faces three counts of aggravated DWI-Drugs, fourteen counts of endangering the welfare of a child, and a traffic violation. Daly was arraigned in the Village of East Syracuse Court and released to family until her next court appearance on May 5th.Troopers say there were 25 kids on the bus between the ages of 14 to 18-years-old and two coaches. They had left Whitesboro and were headed to Fulton High School for a lacrosse game. According to the school’s website, it was the boy’s team playing against Fulton.Trooper Jack Keller says the team was still able to make it to their game on Saturday. There were two buses driving to the game, so the second bus picked up the coaches and students on the side of the roadway and safely brought them to the game.

Source: Whitesboro woman accused of driving impaired with bus full of kids | WSTM

DUI Humour

Law Enforcement Translations

While on routine patrol…
(I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.)

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner…
(He had a bumper sticker that said “SLOW DOWN – DON’T FEED THE PIGS.”)

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
(It was raining.)

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
(It was too hot to ride in the car.)

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner…
(The dirtbag let go with an ‘Oink’ as I walked by.)

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history…
(He puked on my uniform one night.)

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past.
(I’ve got two theft cases hanging over his head.)

While being arrested, this subject resisted, being injured in the act.
(He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses.)

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations…
(I wrote him one citation for each swearword he used.)

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say “Come in,” so this writer entered through the door.
(The rock music was so loud they wouldn’t have heard Patton’s army, so I kicked in the door.)

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies…
(I sent them to a non-existent address, which I called the “Command Post.”)

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding…
(She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.)

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command.
(I sent him to the same address as the reporters.)

Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions.
(Tonight is my bowling night.)

The motorist’s eyes were glassy; he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of alcohol.
(He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.)

Using only enough force to restrain the subject…
(My favorite song is “Dropkick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalpost of Life.”)

The defendant asked this officer’s advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment…
(I told him he didn’t have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.)

DUID-Marijuana-Rx-Illegal Drugs

Logan Kitzhaber apologizes to crash victims, believes collision saved his life |

Logan Kitzhaber apologizes to crash victims, believes collision saved his life, says his crash into a motorhome on the Oregon coast last year was the culmination of a “long, dark emotional path laden with prescription pills,” but that the mistake ultimately saved his life.The former governor’s son, now 19, wrote a letter to the couple he injured when he sideswiped them on U.S. 101 last July Fourth.Kitzhaber apologized to Stanley and Martha Lyckman and said he had no right to endanger their lives. They’ve inspired him to improve himself and help others, he said in the letter, required as part of his plea bargain in the case.”Before the fourth of July, I was a misguided teenager addicted to popping pills with no motivation and no interests outside of drugs,” Kitzhaber said.The crash was a wake-up call that he “desperately needed,” he said. If not for what happened, he believes he would have eventually overdosed on drugs, he said.”When I decided to get behind the wheel, I was making a terrible choice endangering my life and the lives of anybody else that might have happened to be on the road at the time. Unfortunately it was you,” he told the Lyckmans.Read Logan Kitzhaber’s letterRead Martha Lyckman’s victim impact statementKitzhaber vowed to the couple that he would stay out of legal trouble, get an education and avoid drugs. He said he’s glad to have an opportunity to learn from his mistakes.”Nobody deserves what I put you through, and I wish you nothing but the best,” he said. “And to anybody who thinks that driving while inebriated isn’t dangerous, please think before you act. It’s not worth it.”Kitzhaber was sentenced to seven days in jail last month in Lincoln County Circuit Court for third- and fourth-degree assault and driving under the influence of intoxicants. Authorities said the intoxicants were prescription pills. A judge also ordered him to serve five years of probation and undergo drug and alcohol treatment and suspended Kitzhaber’s driver’s license for five years.According to police reports, Kitzhaber was driving a Toyota Prius from Neskowin to Lincoln City to play miniature golf when he hit the motorhome. It was in the oncoming lane as Kitzhaber was passing another car. Other motorists reported Kitzhaber driving erratically before the collision.He admitted to authorities that he drank one beer before driving and smoked marijuana the night before. He told police he couldn’t remember what caused him to crash .Kitzhaber’s mother, Sharon LaCroix, told police on the day of the crash that her son uses marijuana and prescription pills, but she hadn’t seen him using any drugs that day. It’s not clear from police reports or Kitzhaber’s letter what pills he used or where he got them.Kitzhaber’s father is John Kitzhaber, who was just starting his fourth term as state governor in 2015 when he resigned amid a federal investigation into the role his fiancee played in his administration. A resolution has not yet been announced.Martha Lyckman said during the younger Kitzhaber’s sentencing hearing that the crash nearly cost her husband his leg, forced him to relearn to walk and placed a large financial burden on them because of medical costs. They were traveling from their home in Port Angeles, Washington, for a summer vacation on the Oregon coast.

Source: Logan Kitzhaber apologizes to crash victims, believes collision saved his life |

DUI Humour

Finish Your Beer


DUID-Marijuana-Rx-Illegal Drugs

Cody psychiatrist to enter drug program

Matthew Hopkins Alleged to have purchased canned air while on bond After being charged with two DUIs in a four-month span, a Cody psychiatrist plans to enter a residential treatment program.Last week, Dr. Matthew Hopkins was given permission to leave Park County so he can travel to a facility based in St. Paul, Minnesota. Hopkins received the court’s blessing after pleading not guilty to several charges related to a head-on crash that took place in Cody on March 14; authorities say Hopkins caused the crash by “huffing” compressed air from a Dust-Off can while driving, passing out and drifting into the oncoming lane of traffic. The driver of the truck he hit suffered injuries.Hopkins faces a felony count of aggravated assault and battery — alleging he “intentionally or knowingly” caused an injury with his SUV — and misdemeanor counts of driving while under the influence of a controlled substance and unlawful use of a toxic substance.He’s been out of jail and free on bond in that case since March 22; he also has a still-pending misdemeanor DUI charge from last November, which alleges he drove drunk and clipped a vehicle parked at Walgreen’s. Hopkins had been out on bond in that case when he was arrested on the huffing and driving allegations last month.At the request of the Park County Attorney’s Office, District Court Judge Steven Cranfill added a new condition to Hopkins’ bond during the April 19 hearing, prohibiting him from possessing glue, aerosol or any other toxic vapor while the felony case is pending. Prosecutors asked for that condition after staff at Wyoming Home and Ranch reported that, on April 11, Hopkins went into the store two times and bought canned air. A Wyoming Home and Ranch employee brought the purchases to the attention of the store’s owner (who notified police) because “they were aware of Dr. Matthew Hopkins’ recent arrest in which he was alleged to have been huffing,” Cody Police Lt. Jason Stafford wrote in an affidavit included in court records.Through his court-appointed attorney, Scott Kath, Hopkins did not oppose the new bond condition.Deputy Park County Prosecuting Attorney Leda Pojman expressed some qualms about allowing  Hopkins to travel to Minnesota.“The state wants to give the defendant a chance to go to treatment, but the state also wants to keep the defendant under the watchful eye of local law enforcement, for I think what’s the obvious reasons,” Pojman said.After requesting that the county attorney’s office receive regular updates on Hopkins’ status at the Minnesota facility, she ultimately did not object.“The state hopes that they don’t regret that,” Pojman said.Public records show Hopkins’ struggles with alcohol and controlled substances date back to his days as a medical intern in 2003. Hopkins said in court last month that he’s closed down his solo practice, Integrated Psychiatric Solutions, “because of this.”A trial in the huffing case is tentatively set for Aug. 10.

Source: Cody psychiatrist to enter drug program

DUI Humour

Employment Wanted: Former Marijuana Smuggler