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Alcoholoroscopes

ARIES
Drinking style
Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes
don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them
prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get
mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a
good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries
can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened
should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on
to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything
really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
TAURUS
Drinking style
Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming
for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated
Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop
inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers,
the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and
barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the
Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get,
er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely
amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
GEMINI
Drinking style
Geminis can drink without changing their behavior
much -- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that
it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with
finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced
state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic
ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with
several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks:
beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.
CANCER
Drinking style
Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine
with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting,
can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs
must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out
secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true
Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired
and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than
swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with
your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also
rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla
vodka and soda. 
LEO 
Drinking style
Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often
fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their
commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're
darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit,
probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get
over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung
them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to
ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion
to make it up to you the next day.
VIRGO
Drinking style
Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto
their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to
drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They
rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the
intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it
loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo
friend used to declare,
"I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
LIBRA
Drinking style
"I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's
jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party,
mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra
(with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side
(they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room.
Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however,
which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their
wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best
friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
SCORPIO
Drinking style
Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for
they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till
they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and
screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as
something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool --
though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But
generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant
conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what
you did when you were
blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS
Drinking style
In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze
blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their
own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This
is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign
of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?).
They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the
entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a
playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high
possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN
Drinking style Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they
get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the
sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is
the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic,
not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are
you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or
totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen
up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute
groupie.
AQUARIUS
Drinking style
Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well
(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward
know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a
stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing,
however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative --
and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're
usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated
drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist):
Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting
conversations with soused strangers while sober.
PISCES
Drinking style
If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard
that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza
Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the
dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a
mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other
hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in
crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of
margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive
personality" can be read two ways, you know.

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