Do Re Me Drunk by Homer Simpson

/X \
_——_
/ \
| |
| |
| __ __)
| / \/ \
/\/\ (o )o )
/c \__/ –.
( )
\_ _——-‘
| / \
| | ‘\_______)
| \_____)
|_____ |
|_____/\/\
/ \

DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.

*ahem* La la la la…. *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
DO…… the stuff… that buys me beer…
RAY….. the guy that sells me beer…
ME…… the guy… who drinks the beer,
FAR….. a long way to get beer…
SO…… I’ll have another beer…
LA…… I’ll have another beer…
TEA….. no thanks, I’m drinking beer…
That will bring us back to…
(Looks into an empty glass)
D’OH!

Man with three DUI convictions arrested again, this time on a felony DUI charge

A Pass Christian man faces a felony DUI charge now that police have learned he has been convicted of DUI three times.

http://www.sunherald.com/news/local/crime/article148807474.html

Late Discovery at Trial

Can discovery “video cam” be presented after discovery was completed and trial started. Video cam was presented to proscuting attorerny.

It is up to the judge. I have had success in the past keeping out late discovery.

Driver License Revoked in NY

I received a permanent revocation in NYS for previous dwi convictions. I upheld my end of the sentence and now NY has new regulations in place that won’t approve me for relicenceing. I have heard Colorado will issue me a license if I relocate. Is this true?

Yes, there is a path to a Colorado license.

Signs of Intoxication

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor…

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm.

The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Sex.

Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I’m as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming ‘TORO TORO TORO!’ in the middle of the night.

Man accused of using heroin, causing Cortland crash with daughter in tow

Man accused of using heroin, causing Cortland crash with daughter in towNeal Cowfer, Jr. was indicted by a Trumbull County grand jury on multiple charges on Tuesday: Neal Cowfer, Jr., 28, charged with aggravated trafficking in drugs, trafficking in heroin, possession of heroin, aggravated possession of drugs, and operating a vehicle under the influence of alcohol or drugsCORTLAND, Ohio (WKBN) – A man accused of driving under the influence of heroin with his daughter in the car is set to appear in a Trumbull County courtroom later this month.Neal Cowfer, Jr., 28, was indicted on aggravated trafficking in drugs, trafficking in heroin, possession of heroin, aggravated possession of drugs and operating a vehicle under the influence of alcohol or drugs charges.The charges stem from a crash in Cortland on March 30.

Source: Man accused of using heroin, causing Cortland crash with daughter in tow – WKBN.com

Proof of Driving/Rx Impairment

My son received a ticket for DUI while walking through Walmart in Thorton, CO. He was not around his car and did not have the keys. The tire center had his vehicle. He does not drink, but he was on medication for a severe back surgery he had had.

  1. The prosecution will have to prove he was driving. The will try to do this thru witnesses, your son’s statements and circumstantial evidence.
  2. The prosecution will attempt to prove that the medication was affecting his driving ability. Charges may be brought in this type of case as well as can be brought for alcohol, but it is tougher for them to prove.

The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer

Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!

That uniform makes you look really big.

Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

You don’t happen to have any beer in your car?

I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?

“Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow”

Did you happen to attend the “Barney Fife” Police Academy?

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

When you smack me up, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.

So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

Gee,officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?

Sorry I can’t hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.

What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Pursuit leads to car landing in small pond on north side – WISC

A 32-year-old Madison man is facing his second charge of operating a vehicle while intoxicated after he led law enforcement on a pursuit that led to him sending his car airborne on the north side, according to the Dane County Sheriff’s Department.The pursuit started just before 2 a.m. Thursday near the corner of East Washington Avenue at Fair Oaks Avenue.According to the Sheriff’s Department, a sheriff’s deputy and a Wisconsin State Patrol Trooper saw a car driven by Smith going fast down East Washington.The Sheriff’s Department said the deputy and a trooper started to pursue Smith, but he wouldn’t stop.  The pursuit lasted for nearly 3 miles until Smith pulled into a parking lot near the intersection of Northport Drive and Sherman Avenue.That’s when the sheriff’s department said the car Smith was driving flew over an embankment, went airborne, and landed into a small pond.Smith got out of the vehicle and took off on foot before being taken into custody, according to the sheriff’s department.Besides the OWI charge, Smith also faces charges of eluding and felony bail jumping.Sheriff’s officials said no other cars were encountered during the pursuit and no one was injured.

Source: Pursuit leads to car landing in small pond on north side – WISC

64 Ways to Piss Off a Cop

1 – When you get pulled over, say, “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol.”
2 – When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3 – When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4 – If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say, “No. My speedometer only goes up to ….”
5 – Touch him.
6 – When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7 – Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8 – Refer to him by his first name.
9 – Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10 – When he says no, cry.
11 – If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12 – If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13 – If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
14 – When he asks you to spread ’em, tell him you don’t go that way.
15 – When he puts on the handcuffs, say, “My dates usually buy me dinner first.”
16 – Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, ’cause you don’t like to get ink on your fingers.
17 – After you sign the ticket and give it back to him, say, “Oopps ! That’s the wrong name.”
18 – Bribe him with donuts and when he agrees, tell him, “Sorry, I just ate the last one.”
19 – When he comes up to the car, say, “license and registration, please” right when he says it.
20 – When he starts to read you your rights, sing, “La, la, la, la, I can’t hear you !”
21 – Trip and fall into him.
22 – Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23 – Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. (you are using his pen)
24 – Chew on the pen, nervously.
25 – Clean your ear with the pen.
26 – If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27 – Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say, “I thought that name sounded familiar….”
28 – Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was….
29 – Act like you’re retarded.
30 – When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
31 – Or mumble to yourself.
32 – When he tells you to stop, say, “What are you talkin’ about, DUDE ?”
33 – Drive to Dunkin’ Donuts and say, “Hmmmmm…. only five of you here tonight…”
34 – Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35 – When he comes to the car, say, “I have a badge just like that.”
36 – Ask if he watches “COPS.”
37 – Ask if he ever watched “Cop Rock.”
38 – Giggle if he did.
39 – Talk to your hand.
40 – Ask him if he knows Rosy Palmer and her five favorite friends.
41 – Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.
42 – When he frisks you, grin and say, “You missed a spot…”
43 – When he asks to inspect your car, say, “There is no alcohol in my car, sir. The last cop took it.”
44 – Try to sell him your car.
45 – Ask if you can buy his car.
46 – If he takes you to the station, ask to sit up front.
47 – Play with the siren.
48 – If you know him, tell him you had his wife for dinner.
49 – If you don’t know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
50 – Oopps…. I meant “OVER” for dinner.
51 – Ask if he ever had poon-tang.
52 – If he asks what that is, point at him and giggle.
53 – If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
54 – When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him, and laugh.
55 – When you are in the back of his car, touch his neck through the screen.
56 – Turn your head and whistle.
57 – When he pulls out his night stick, ask, “What are you gonna do with that ?”
58 – If you are female, say, “I don’t do that on the first date.”
59 – If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
60 – Ask if you can see his gun.
61 – When he says it isn’t allowed, tell him, “I just wanted to see if mine is bigger.”
62 – Stare at his lights and say, “Look at the pretty colors.”
63 – Tell him you like men in uniforms.
64 – Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.