You Need A New Lawyer When….

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.”
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
14. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.”
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
17. He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”

Driver tells cops she’s ‘too drunk’ for sobriety test | New York Post

Driver tells cops she’s ‘too drunk’ for sobriety test: Drunk words are soberly honest thoughts for this driver.Joy Hunt, 76, told officers she was “intoxicated” and “shouldn’t be driving” when she was arrested Tuesday night for driving in the wrong direction with two flat tires in The Villages, Florida.When Sumter County deputies asked her where she was driving from, Hunt replied “a bar.”Hunt tried to perform sobriety tests, but ultimately gave up during one of the exercises, the Village News reported.“I’m too drunk to do that, just take me to jail,” she said, according to officers.Deputies said the 76-year-old blew an .181 percent on her breathalyzer test.Hunt was charged with a DUI and booked at Sumter County Detention Center, where she is being held on $1,000 bail.

Source: Driver tells cops she’s ‘too drunk’ for sobriety test | New York Post

Alcoholoroscopes

ARIES  Drinking style  Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don’t know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They’re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you — so long as you haven’t gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS  Drinking style  Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler — god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI  Drinking style  Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much — they’re so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it’s just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round — repetition is boring — and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER  Drinking style  Cancer is a comfort drinker — and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can’t it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists — and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get “tired and emotional” (read: weepy when lubricated). But there’s nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you’d be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO  Drinking style  Leo likes to drink and dance — they’re often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they’re quite aware they’re darling – Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue — and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But Leo’s not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO  Drinking style  Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to  drinking less than other signs, sure — but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked — but, oh, when they do! Virgo’s controlled by the intellect, but there’s an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It’s dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare,  “I’m going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight.” A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA  Drinking style  “I’m just a social drinker,” slurs Libra, “it’s jusht that I’m so damn social?” Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to “on”) or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble — including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend’s beau or even blacking out the night’s events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO  Drinking style  Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, for they’ll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they’re hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool — though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they’re fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything — especially what you did when you were  blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS  Drinking style  In vino veritas — and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else — like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN  Drinking style Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,  money-hungry and status-thirsty — no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they’re either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS  Drinking style  Aquarius and drinking don’t go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they’re more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they’re throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they’re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative — and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they’re usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES  Drinking style  If you’re a Pisces, you’ve probably already heard  that you share a sign and an addictive personality — with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase “addictive personality” can be read two ways, you know.

Taunton police say Dighton car in OUI pot bust reeked even with window up

Car in OUI pot bust reeked even with window upHIDE CAPTION James Carvalho, 21, of Williams Street, Dighton, left, and Colby Woodward, 19, of Putters Way, Dighton were arrested by Taunton police early Tuesday morning. Police say a Dighton man busted for driving under the influence of marijuana early Tuesday morning claimed the ground rules of a field-sobriety test were stacked against him.“No way, that’s not how I stand. My generation doesn’t stand that way — we can’t do it,” Kevin James Carvalho, 21, allegedly stated — after Carvalho had trouble keeping his balance, when Taunton Patrolman Thomas Larkin said he asked him to stand with feet together and his hands by his side.Carvalho, 1541 Williams St., was charged with drug-related OUI; negligent operation of a motor vehicle; marked lanes violation; speeding; and driving with an invalid inspection sticker.His passenger, 19-year-old Colby Woodward, 1925 Putters Way, Dighton, was arrested for illegal possession of more than an ounce of marijuana and possession of a Class D substance with intent to distribute.Larkin, in his report, says Carvalho made that statement after numerous unsuccessful attempts by Carvalho to assume the position in anticipation of a field-sobriety test.Larkin says he was monitoring traffic with his cruiser’s radar at 1:30 a.m. at the intersection of Ingell, Weir and West Water streets, when Carvalho’s 2001 Hyundai Elantra sped by heading north doing 53 mph in a 30 mph posted zone.The car, Larkin said, crossed the double-yellow line “several times in a serpentine manner,” before he it pulled over near the intersection of Weir and White streets.Larkin said as he walked toward the driver’s side door he smelled “a strong, pungent odor of burnt marijuana from inside the Hyundai, even though its windows were closed.”Once Carvalho rolled the window down, Larkin says, “I immediately observed a large plume of smoke rise out.”Larkin said Carvalho was “lethargic” and his eyes were nearly shut as he looked toward the officer and said: “Whoa, what, what’s up?”As Carvalho began looking for his licence and registration, Larkin said Woodward volunteered to show the officer his own driver’s license.“I asked Colby,” who Larkin said appeared “very nervous,” to “stop talking so I could speak with the driver, but he continued to ramble on.”Larkin said he suggested to Carvalho to look inside his wallet “which was right in front of him on the center console.”Carvalho allegedly then claimed that it was Woodward who had been “smoking weed in the car.”MORE VIDEO:Happy Holidays, from us to you!“I smoked earlier, so you got nothing on me, dude. It’s all good, it’s all good,” Carvalho allegedly stated.After Woodward again offered to show his own license, Larkin said he accepted his offer.Larkin says when Woodward picked up a backpack from in between his legs he observed a large glass jar, inside of which was “a large amount of marijuana.”“It’s not mine,” Woodward allegedly said. “It’s my dad’s. I was just holding it for him. My whole family smokes weed.”Woodward, however, quickly changed his story and admitted that the pot was his.“Ok, ok, it’s mine, but it’s only for medical reasons for my PTSD. I’m trying to get a medical card,” he allegedly said.Larkin said the backpack also contained glassine baggies and a digital scale. He said there also appeared to be hundreds of little baggies strewn about the floor of the car.After refusing to submit to the field-sobriety test, Carvalho allegedly accused Larkin of “just trying to make your quota.”“Just let me drive. I’m good,” he allegedly told Larkin, who then “informed Kevin that he was not good and that he was under arrest.”Larkin said the total weight of the marijuana in the jar amounted to 1.6 ounces.Media relations officer Lt. Paul Roderick said until police are equipped with a device that can easily detect drugs in a person’s bloodstream, successful prosecution of drug-related OUI cases will remain difficult.Oftentimes, Roderick said, it amounts to “a waste of time.”Roderick, however, said that drivers operating under the influence of marijuana should keep in mind that Taunton police, especially some of the newer recruits, are taking a “proactive” approach to detecting such violations.

Source: Taunton police say Dighton car in OUI pot bust reeked even with window up

Cross Examination of the Arresting Officer

by Jessica Towne

This is my friend. I like this Cop.
I meet him at the Donut Shop.
I cannot make him look too bad;
I must not, must not make him MAD.
I must not make him mad you see,
We’re working out an arson plea;
It will not help me anyway;
He ALWAYS knows just what to say.

The Prosecutor smirks at me,
“Your gal was DRUNK, you must agree;
“Her guilt is clear. Why look in Books?
“Facts are facts, and
CROOKS are CROOKS!”

Our carefully constructed questions
Are interrupted by objections;
To keep the D.A. in his place,
Show the Judge the perfect case,
And he will overrule with HASTE
And put that scoundrel in his place:
“Sit down! Sit down!
You let her be!”
“She is so very SMART, you see!”

We see them come.
We see them go.
Some are fast.
And some are slow.
Not one of them is like another.
Don’t ask us why.
Go ask your mother.

The cross is now over, this battle is won.
The client is grinning, the D.A. is glum.
The judge is impressed with my style and my knowledge.
(I did graduate from a four-year state college.)

The jurors are beaming, they bought what I said.
The officer’s sitting there, scratching his head.
Now on to the demo, and remember, it’s true:
Do as I say, and
NOT
as
I
do!

Adrien Broner arrested on warrant after being stopped in shot-up SUV

Adrien Broner arrested on warrant after being stopped in shot-up SUV: Adrien Broner is back in trouble with the law after being stopped in a bullet-ridden SUV. (Getty) More Adrien Broner can’t seem to put one foot in front of the other. Early Thursday morning, the former four-division world champion was arrested and booked into the Kenton County Detention Center in Covington, Kentucky, just two miles from Broner’s hometown of Cincinnati, for having an open warrant.

Source: Adrien Broner arrested on warrant after being stopped in shot-up SUV

The Little Vagabond

Dear Mother, dear Mother, the Church is cold,
But the Ale-house is healthy & pleasant & warm;
Besides I can tell where I am use’d well,
Such usage in heaven will never do well.

But if at the Church they would give us some Ale.
And a pleasant fire, our souls to regale;
We’d sing and we’d pray, all the live-long day;
Nor ever once wish from the Church to stray,

Then the Parson might preach & drink & sing
. And we’d be as happy as birds in the spring:
And modest dame Lurch, who is always at Church,
Would not have bandy children nor fasting nor birch.

And God like a father rejoicing to see,
His children as pleasant and happy as he:
Would have no more quarrel with the Devil or the Barrel
But kiss him & give him both drink and apparel.

Blake, William

Intoxalock calls for strengthening DUI enforcement efforts after gubernatorial signing of Senate File 444

Intoxalock calls for strengthening DUI enforcement efforts after gubernatorial signing of Senate File 444 PR NewswireApril 18, 2017DES MOINES, Iowa, April 18, 2017 /PRNewswire/ — Governor Branstad recently signed into law Senate File 444 allowing repeat impaired-driving offenders to participate in a 24/7 Sobriety Program. Intoxalock, a leader in alcohol monitoring and DUI prevention methods, supports this law and strongly encourages additional legislative action to further strengthen Iowa’s DUI statute.View photosIn the Iowa Statewide Impaired Driving Plan, the Governor’s Task Force recommended additional monitoring of DUI offenders that use an interlock device, or in-car breathalyzer.More”While the new law is a good first step, we urge the legislature to implement additional measures to improve traffic safety,” said Kimberly Williams, CEO of Intoxalock.  “We agree with the findings of The Governor’s Task Force, which recommended additional, more effective methods to prevent impaired driving.”In the Iowa Statewide Impaired Driving Plan, the Governor’s Task Force recommended additional monitoring of DUI offenders that use an interlock device, or in-car breathalyzer. Specifically, repeated attempts to drive while under the influence would result in an extension of the required time that a driver must continue using an interlock device. The monitoring of failed attempts to start a car and then extending interlock device installation time periods are considered best practices that are used in many states. “Iowa is clearly moving in the right direction,” said Williams. “Implementing the additional recommendations of the Governor’s Task Force would place Iowa among those states with best-in-class DUI safety legislation.””Implementing strong DUI laws is only one part of the equation to keep roads safe,” Williams explained, “Our law enforcement agencies need the resources to implement those laws. Even within Iowa, the differences between DUI enforcement by county is alarming. For example, after adjusting for population, Dallas County makes 45 percent fewer OWI arrests than Polk County. As in other states, we encourage the Iowa legislature to increase the funding to implement stronger DUI enforcement efforts and thereby improve the safety of all drivers.”Currently, the recent analysis of Iowa Judicial Branch data, conducted by the Des Moines Register, shows nearly 20 percent of Iowa DUI offenders, more than 23,400, were charged more than once with intoxicated driving during a12-year period. The Register’s analysis also found that Iowa’s sentencing laws for drivers repeatedly caught driving under the influence are more lenient than in many other states.About IntoxalockHeadquartered in Des Moines, Iowa, Intoxalock (http://www.Intoxalock.com) developed its state-of-the-art ignition interlock device in conjunction with researchers from Iowa State University. Recently celebrating their 23rd anniversary in the alcohol monitoring business, Intoxalock currently services clients that are legally required to install an IID or home alcohol-monitoring unit in 39 states across the nation, in addition to voluntary clients in all other states. In the last 10 years, the ignition interlock industry has grown three-fold and is expected to continue as drunk driving legislation strengthens.To access additional Intoxalock news releases, photography, infographics and other resources, please visit our Media Room at https://www.intoxalock.com/media.

Source: Intoxalock calls for strengthening DUI enforcement efforts after gubernatorial signing of Senate File 444

This is what you call a vested interest.

N.M. State Police: Colorado man arrested in 11th DWI – Local News – Santa Fe New Mexican

N.M. State Police: Colorado man arrested in 11th DWI: A Colorado man arrested by New Mexico State Police late last week is behind bars on his 11th DWI charge, according to a news release and court records.A state police officer pulled over Terry Huff, 56, of Greeley, Colo., on Friday night near Pecos after emergency dispatchers received reports of an erratic driver. A statement of probable cause the officer filed in the San Miguel County Magistrate Court says Huff’s 4-year-old son was with him in the black Nissan SUV.According to a breath test, Huff had a blood-alcohol content of 0.24, three times the legal limit of 0.08, when a driver is presumed too drunk to drive.An officer found an unopened bottle of Importers vodka in Huff’s vehicle, the court document says.Emergency dispatchers told the state police officer that Huff had 10 prior DWI arrests, according to the court document. It’s not immediately clear where those prior arrests took place, but statewide court records don’t show any prior convictions for Huff in New Mexico.A family friend who lives in the area took custody of Huff’s child, the officer’s statement says, adding that the child’s mother told police she was in Denver getting treatment for cancer.Huff is charged with DWI, child abandonment and reckless driving, according to court records. He is being held in the San Miguel County jail in lieu of a $15,000 cash-only bond.

Source: N.M. State Police: Colorado man arrested in 11th DWI – Local News – Santa Fe New Mexican