Law Enforcement Translations

While on routine patrol…
(I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.)

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner…
(He had a bumper sticker that said “SLOW DOWN – DON’T FEED THE PIGS.”)

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
(It was raining.)

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
(It was too hot to ride in the car.)

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner…
(The dirtbag let go with an ‘Oink’ as I walked by.)

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history…
(He puked on my uniform one night.)

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past.
(I’ve got two theft cases hanging over his head.)

While being arrested, this subject resisted, being injured in the act.
(He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses.)

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations…
(I wrote him one citation for each swearword he used.)

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say “Come in,” so this writer entered through the door.
(The rock music was so loud they wouldn’t have heard Patton’s army, so I kicked in the door.)

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies…
(I sent them to a non-existent address, which I called the “Command Post.”)

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding…
(She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.)

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command.
(I sent him to the same address as the reporters.)

Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions.
(Tonight is my bowling night.)

The motorist’s eyes were glassy; he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of alcohol.
(He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.)

Using only enough force to restrain the subject…
(My favorite song is “Dropkick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalpost of Life.”)

The defendant asked this officer’s advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment…
(I told him he didn’t have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.)

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