Alcohol Consumption at Work

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to here.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

Why Written Driving Test Questions Are Multiple Choice

The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (Most probably from people who failed the first four times)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.

DUI Self Arrest Form

CITIZEN’s SELF ARREST FORM
A proposition has been announced recently to help reduce the deficit and to “Take A Bite Out Of Crime.”  If you witness a crime, it is your civic duty to report the crime to the police.  When a crime is committed, you have the right to make a “Citizen’s Arrest”.  Thus, if YOU commit a crime, it would be extremely helpful for you to perform a Citizen’s Self-Arrest.  Fill out the form, to complete your Citizen’s Self-Arrest.

Fill out this form, answering all questions completely.
 

Enter your full name:

ALIAS:

Enter your street address:

Phone #:

City:

State:

ZIP Code:

E-Mail Address: 

Height: WT: Eyes: Hair: Race: Sex:

 Scars/Tattoos, if any:

CRIME for which you are arresting yourself:

PLEA:

Motive:

If Other, specify:


Read the following statement aloud:

“I am under arrest. I have a right to remain silent. Anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law. I have the right to talk to a lawyer and have him/her present with me while I question myself. If I cannot afford to hire a lawyer, one will be appointed to represent me, if I wish one, before I question myself. If I decide to make a statement, I may stop at any time.”

WAIVER:

Do I understand each of these rights I have just read to myself?
Yes No

Having these rights in mind, do I wish to talk to myself now?
Yes No
(If YES to both, use the space below for your full confession
or other statement you may wish to make.)


STATEMENT/CONFESSION:

Memorize the following rules:

  • Do not leave your house. If you are not home now, go home immediately.

  • Put any firearms or other potential weapons out of reach.

  • Remove your belt and shoelaces.

  • If others are present in your house, send them away. You may, however, talk to yourself.

  • You are not to allow yourself any visitors.

  • Conjugal visits are not permitted.

  • Consumption of alcohol or use of any other non-prescription drugs is not permitted.

  • Do not try to escape from your home.

  • If you do attempt an escape, use all reasonable force to stop yourself.

  • Report any escape attempts promptly, by phone, to the local police.

  • Do not disturb any evidence present in your home.

  • Remain in your home until the police arrive.


To ensure your Citizen’s Self-Arrest is received, mail a copy of this form to your local police department, in accordance with the following instructions:

  1. Print out this form.

  2. Using a stamp-pad or ink-soaked sponge/tissue, provide a preliminary set of fingerprints on the printed copy of the form:

    Right
    Thumb

    Left
    Thumb

    Right
    Forefinger

    Left
    Forefinger

     
  3. If you have a recent passport-size photograph, enclose it with this form. If you do not have a photo but do possess some artistic skill, do a rough sketch of your appearance on a separate sheet of paper. (Do NOT sketch yourself wearing dark glasses. Do not add a beard or mustache if you do not normally have one)

  4. If you do not have a printer, type or carefully draw a facsimile of this form on a blank piece of paper and fill in the appropriate information. Submission of a neat and complete form will be pointed out favorably to the DA’s office.

    Signature of Arrestor/Arrestee
    (required for mail-arrests only)

    Date

  5. Sign and date this form and mail it to your local police department.
    You are authorized to make one trip to a mailbox for this purpose.


The small patch below contains a remarkable offshoot of military technology:  An entire miniature Bible, produced by laser microprinting.  Place your left hand on the spot and raise your right hand and say “I swear that all of the information I have given on this form is true, so help me, God.”

XXXXX
XXXXX <—- (Bible)
XXXXX
XXXXX

Chicken Soup for Beer Drinkers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver.” – Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” – Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk in order to spend time
with his friends.” – Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Henry
Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” –
Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” – Brian O’Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin
Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” – Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! – “Genesis”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And, saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went: “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this…
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular killing of the weakest members.
“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you
always feel smarter after a few beers.”

Do Re Me Drunk by Homer Simpson

/X \
_——_
/ \
| |
| |
| __ __)
| / \/ \
/\/\ (o )o )
/c \__/ –.
( )
\_ _——-‘
| / \
| | ‘\_______)
| \_____)
|_____ |
|_____/\/\
/ \

DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.

*ahem* La la la la…. *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
DO…… the stuff… that buys me beer…
RAY….. the guy that sells me beer…
ME…… the guy… who drinks the beer,
FAR….. a long way to get beer…
SO…… I’ll have another beer…
LA…… I’ll have another beer…
TEA….. no thanks, I’m drinking beer…
That will bring us back to…
(Looks into an empty glass)
D’OH!

Signs of Intoxication

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor…

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm.

The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Sex.

Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I’m as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming ‘TORO TORO TORO!’ in the middle of the night.