The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (Most probably from people who failed the first four times)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Source: justice cartoons
|A proposition has been announced recently to help reduce the deficit and to “Take A Bite Out Of Crime.” If you witness a crime, it is your civic duty to report the crime to the police. When a crime is committed, you have the right to make a “Citizen’s Arrest”. Thus, if YOU commit a crime, it would be extremely helpful for you to perform a Citizen’s Self-Arrest. Fill out the form, to complete your Citizen’s Self-Arrest.
Read the following statement aloud:
“I am under arrest. I have a right to remain silent. Anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law. I have the right to talk to a lawyer and have him/her present with me while I question myself. If I cannot afford to hire a lawyer, one will be appointed to represent me, if I wish one, before I question myself. If I decide to make a statement, I may stop at any time.”
Memorize the following rules:
To ensure your Citizen’s Self-Arrest is received, mail a copy of this form to your local police department, in accordance with the following instructions:
The small patch below contains a remarkable offshoot of military technology: An entire miniature Bible, produced by laser microprinting. Place your left hand on the spot and raise your right hand and say “I swear that all of the information I have given on this form is true, so help me, God.”
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver.” – Jack Handy
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” – Frank Sinatra
“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk in order to spend time
with his friends.” – Ernest Hemingway
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Henry
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” –
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” – Brian O’Rourke
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” – Dave Barry
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! – “Genesis”
Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group.
And, saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went: “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this…
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular killing of the weakest members.
“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you
always feel smarter after a few beers.”
| __ __)
| / \/ \
/\/\ (o )o )
/c \__/ –.
| / \
| | ‘\_______)
DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.
*ahem* La la la la…. *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
DO…… the stuff… that buys me beer…
RAY….. the guy that sells me beer…
ME…… the guy… who drinks the beer,
FAR….. a long way to get beer…
SO…… I’ll have another beer…
LA…… I’ll have another beer…
TEA….. no thanks, I’m drinking beer…
That will bring us back to…
(Looks into an empty glass)
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Sex.
Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
I’m as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming ‘TORO TORO TORO!’ in the middle of the night.
Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
That uniform makes you look really big.
Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
You don’t happen to have any beer in your car?
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
“Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow”
Did you happen to attend the “Barney Fife” Police Academy?
I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
When you smack me up, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.
So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
Gee,officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?
Sorry I can’t hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.