Walks Into a Bar… Monkey Eats Everything

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!””Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.”Yeah,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.”

Source: Funny Jokes | Walks Into a Bar… Monkey Eats Everything Joke | Comedy Central

Walks Into a Bar… String Style 

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”The string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

Source: Funny Jokes | Walks Into a Bar… String Style Joke | Comedy Central

Walks Into a Bar… Mermaid Sex

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy’s head is the size of a cue ball.”I got to ask, sir,” says the bartender. “What happened?”The old guy sighs and tells him, “My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.””That doesn’t sound too bad,” says the bartender. “Then what happened?””Well,” sighs the man, “mermaids can’t have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head… .”

Source: Funny Jokes | Walks Into a Bar… Mermaid Sex Joke | Comedy Central

Walks Into a Bar… Not Ready to Go Home Joke

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, “How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?”The man says, “Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I’m gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home.”

Source: Funny Jokes | Walks Into a Bar… Not Ready to Go Home Joke | Comedy Central

A bear walks into a bar…

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears in bars.”The bear replies, “If you don’t give me a beer, I’ll eat that lady over there.”The bartender says, “Go ahead.”So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears on drugs.””What do mean,” asks the bear. “I’m not on drugs.””Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate.”

Source: Funny Jokes | Walks Into a Bar… Bears on Drugs Joke | Comedy Central