DUI Self Arrest Form

A proposition has been announced recently to help reduce the deficit and to “Take A Bite Out Of Crime.”  If you witness a crime, it is your civic duty to report the crime to the police.  When a crime is committed, you have the right to make a “Citizen’s Arrest”.  Thus, if YOU commit a crime, it would be extremely helpful for you to perform a Citizen’s Self-Arrest.  Fill out the form, to complete your Citizen’s Self-Arrest.

Fill out this form, answering all questions completely.

Enter your full name:


Enter your street address:

Phone #:



ZIP Code:

E-Mail Address: 

Height: WT: Eyes: Hair: Race: Sex:

 Scars/Tattoos, if any:

CRIME for which you are arresting yourself:



If Other, specify:

Read the following statement aloud:

“I am under arrest. I have a right to remain silent. Anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law. I have the right to talk to a lawyer and have him/her present with me while I question myself. If I cannot afford to hire a lawyer, one will be appointed to represent me, if I wish one, before I question myself. If I decide to make a statement, I may stop at any time.”


Do I understand each of these rights I have just read to myself?
Yes No

Having these rights in mind, do I wish to talk to myself now?
Yes No
(If YES to both, use the space below for your full confession
or other statement you may wish to make.)


Memorize the following rules:

  • Do not leave your house. If you are not home now, go home immediately.

  • Put any firearms or other potential weapons out of reach.

  • Remove your belt and shoelaces.

  • If others are present in your house, send them away. You may, however, talk to yourself.

  • You are not to allow yourself any visitors.

  • Conjugal visits are not permitted.

  • Consumption of alcohol or use of any other non-prescription drugs is not permitted.

  • Do not try to escape from your home.

  • If you do attempt an escape, use all reasonable force to stop yourself.

  • Report any escape attempts promptly, by phone, to the local police.

  • Do not disturb any evidence present in your home.

  • Remain in your home until the police arrive.

To ensure your Citizen’s Self-Arrest is received, mail a copy of this form to your local police department, in accordance with the following instructions:

  1. Print out this form.

  2. Using a stamp-pad or ink-soaked sponge/tissue, provide a preliminary set of fingerprints on the printed copy of the form:





  3. If you have a recent passport-size photograph, enclose it with this form. If you do not have a photo but do possess some artistic skill, do a rough sketch of your appearance on a separate sheet of paper. (Do NOT sketch yourself wearing dark glasses. Do not add a beard or mustache if you do not normally have one)

  4. If you do not have a printer, type or carefully draw a facsimile of this form on a blank piece of paper and fill in the appropriate information. Submission of a neat and complete form will be pointed out favorably to the DA’s office.

    Signature of Arrestor/Arrestee
    (required for mail-arrests only)


  5. Sign and date this form and mail it to your local police department.
    You are authorized to make one trip to a mailbox for this purpose.

The small patch below contains a remarkable offshoot of military technology:  An entire miniature Bible, produced by laser microprinting.  Place your left hand on the spot and raise your right hand and say “I swear that all of the information I have given on this form is true, so help me, God.”

XXXXX <—- (Bible)

Chicken Soup for Beer Drinkers

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver.” – Jack Handy
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” – Frank Sinatra
“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk in order to spend time
with his friends.” – Ernest Hemingway
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Henry
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” –
Stephen Wright
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” – Brian O’Rourke
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” – Dave Barry
Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group.
And, saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went: “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this…
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular killing of the weakest members.
“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you
always feel smarter after a few beers.”

Do Re Me Drunk by Homer Simpson

/X \
/ \
| |
| |
| __ __)
| / \/ \
/\/\ (o )o )
/c \__/ –.
( )
\_ _——-‘
| / \
| | ‘\_______)
| \_____)
|_____ |
/ \

DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.

*ahem* La la la la…. *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
DO…… the stuff… that buys me beer…
RAY….. the guy that sells me beer…
ME…… the guy… who drinks the beer,
FAR….. a long way to get beer…
SO…… I’ll have another beer…
LA…… I’ll have another beer…
TEA….. no thanks, I’m drinking beer…
That will bring us back to…
(Looks into an empty glass)

Signs of Intoxication

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor…

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm.

The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Sex.

Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I’m as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming ‘TORO TORO TORO!’ in the middle of the night.

The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer

Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!

That uniform makes you look really big.

Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

You don’t happen to have any beer in your car?

I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?

“Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow”

Did you happen to attend the “Barney Fife” Police Academy?

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

When you smack me up, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.

So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

Gee,officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?

Sorry I can’t hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.

What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

64 Ways to Piss Off a Cop

1 – When you get pulled over, say, “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol.”
2 – When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3 – When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4 – If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say, “No. My speedometer only goes up to ….”
5 – Touch him.
6 – When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7 – Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8 – Refer to him by his first name.
9 – Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10 – When he says no, cry.
11 – If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12 – If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13 – If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
14 – When he asks you to spread ’em, tell him you don’t go that way.
15 – When he puts on the handcuffs, say, “My dates usually buy me dinner first.”
16 – Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, ’cause you don’t like to get ink on your fingers.
17 – After you sign the ticket and give it back to him, say, “Oopps ! That’s the wrong name.”
18 – Bribe him with donuts and when he agrees, tell him, “Sorry, I just ate the last one.”
19 – When he comes up to the car, say, “license and registration, please” right when he says it.
20 – When he starts to read you your rights, sing, “La, la, la, la, I can’t hear you !”
21 – Trip and fall into him.
22 – Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23 – Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. (you are using his pen)
24 – Chew on the pen, nervously.
25 – Clean your ear with the pen.
26 – If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27 – Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say, “I thought that name sounded familiar….”
28 – Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was….
29 – Act like you’re retarded.
30 – When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
31 – Or mumble to yourself.
32 – When he tells you to stop, say, “What are you talkin’ about, DUDE ?”
33 – Drive to Dunkin’ Donuts and say, “Hmmmmm…. only five of you here tonight…”
34 – Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35 – When he comes to the car, say, “I have a badge just like that.”
36 – Ask if he watches “COPS.”
37 – Ask if he ever watched “Cop Rock.”
38 – Giggle if he did.
39 – Talk to your hand.
40 – Ask him if he knows Rosy Palmer and her five favorite friends.
41 – Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.
42 – When he frisks you, grin and say, “You missed a spot…”
43 – When he asks to inspect your car, say, “There is no alcohol in my car, sir. The last cop took it.”
44 – Try to sell him your car.
45 – Ask if you can buy his car.
46 – If he takes you to the station, ask to sit up front.
47 – Play with the siren.
48 – If you know him, tell him you had his wife for dinner.
49 – If you don’t know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
50 – Oopps…. I meant “OVER” for dinner.
51 – Ask if he ever had poon-tang.
52 – If he asks what that is, point at him and giggle.
53 – If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
54 – When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him, and laugh.
55 – When you are in the back of his car, touch his neck through the screen.
56 – Turn your head and whistle.
57 – When he pulls out his night stick, ask, “What are you gonna do with that ?”
58 – If you are female, say, “I don’t do that on the first date.”
59 – If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
60 – Ask if you can see his gun.
61 – When he says it isn’t allowed, tell him, “I just wanted to see if mine is bigger.”
62 – Stare at his lights and say, “Look at the pretty colors.”
63 – Tell him you like men in uniforms.
64 – Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

Oh God I’m An Ocean Buoy-not by John Denver

Took a flight from the farm
and I never came back
Built a plane from a kit
But I didn’t have the knack
Jumped in the cockpit
and downed a six-pack
And now I’m an ocean buoy

Well, I grabbed the controls
And I started to fiddle
Got flames coming up
On my face like a griddle
Air flight ain’t nothing
But a funny, funny riddle
So now I’m an ocean buoy.

Well, my head’s chopped in pieces
And my body’s full of dents
They’ll identify me
By my guitar’s fingerprints
I tried to “dry out”
But instead got a rinse
And now I’m an ocean buoy

Well, it’s really farrr out
When you’re down ‘neath the water
I just ain’t been right
Since I started on the bottle
I reach for Jim Beam
But instead grab the throttle
And now I’m an ocean buoy

Well, I grabbed the controls
And I started to fiddle
Got flames coming up
On my face like a griddle
George Burns appeared beside me
And we prayed just a little
Oh God! I’m an ocean buoy!

The day’s just about over
And I’m sinking kinda low
In the undersea world
of Jacques Cousteau
Calypso can you find me
By the bubbles that I blow
‘Cause now I’m an ocean buoy.

Dear Miller

Milwaukee, Wisconsin_ 53201

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80’s). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama.

Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!

Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn’t like the new design.

Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:

  1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
  2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
  3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
  4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
  5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
  6. Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can. . . black!!!

Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There’s no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party (the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time).

These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.

The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.

Beer Type_____ Average Suck-point (minutes)

 Miller Lite (white can)_______________6.2
 Bud (white can)_______________________5.5
 Bud Lite (silver can)_________________5.2
 Ice House (blue and silver can)______ 4.4
 Coors Lite (silver can)_______________4.1
 Miller Genuine Draft (black can)______2.8
 Coors (gold can)______________________0.1


It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suck point, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.

It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.


Bradley Lee

Dear Bradley Lee,

Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at MillerBeer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.

Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.

First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature.

Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staff working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinkers and Southern beer drinkers.

Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers._ We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.

However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes._ However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame. After reading your letter, we had our design staff work ’round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new “Wide Mouth” cans. We hope this will solve all your problems.

Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as “shot-gunning”. You should like the name.

Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am having our advertising department work on a campaign to solve this problem, too.


Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co

New Beer Warning Labels

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.