A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, “Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?”The man replies, “It’s a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday.”The barman remarks, “But it’s Wednesday.”Sheepishly, the man says, “Man, I must look like a real fool.”
A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.The guy asks, “What’s in the box?”The older guy says matter-of-factly, “A South American Blow Job Toad.”The young guy looks around. “Can I try it?”The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men’s room and returns 20 minutes later.”That was amazing,” he says, “You’ve got to sell it to me.”The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.”Where the hell have you been? What’s in the box?” she demands.”South American Blow Job Toad.””So?” asks the wife.”So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out.”
An 18-year-old Newfoundland man is facing an assault charge for allegedly hurling a slice of pizza at a bystander.Police say a property owner in St. John’s was near Thorburn Road at about 6:30 p.m. Sunday when somebody in a vehicle passed by.Police say someone in the car threw a slice of pizza at the bystander.It’s believed the slice missed its mark.Police reviewed the property owner’s video surveillance and have charged a teen with assault.
A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Got any grapes?”Again, the bartender tells him, “No — the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck thanks him and leaves.The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, “Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, “Got any nails?”Confused, the bartender says no.”Good!” says the duck. “Got any grapes?”
A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.A drunken guy at the bar says, “I bet I can give you a drink that you can’t name.””You’re on,” replies the guy, “as long as you pay.”So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. “This tastes like piss!””Yeah,” says the drunken guy, “now guess how old I am.”
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.”But I already paid you. Don’t you remember?” says the customer.”OK,” says the bartender, “if you say you paid, then I suppose you did.”The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.The barkeep replies, “OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did.”The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.The bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the — “The man interrupts, “Don’t bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”