WALKS INTO A BAR… BEARS ON DRUGS

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears in bars.”

The bear replies, “If you don’t give me a beer, I’ll eat that lady over there.”

The bartender says, “Go ahead.”

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears on drugs.”

“What do mean,” asks the bear. “I’m not on drugs.”

“Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate.”

 

http://jokes.cc.com/funny-walks-into-a-bar/ped10i/walks-into-a-bar—-bears-on-drugs

Nick Nolte has been taking GHB ‘for four years’

Nick Nolte has been taking GHB 'for four years'

Nick Nolte has been taking the date rape drug GHB for “four years”.

The 76-year-old actor – who starred in ’48 Hours’ alongside Eddie Murphy – was arrested in 2002 for driving under the influence of alcohol and the drug, but he’s now admitted to being a regular user of the narcotic.

The actor said: “I’ve been taking GHB for four years and I’ve never been raped.

Despite checking into rehab, the actor continued drinking on and off until he stopped for good.

Speaking to the Daily Telegraph newspaper, he explained: “Now I can have drink and stop, but I used to fill the gaps between adrenaline rushes with booze and drugs.”

While starring in acclaimed director Ang Lee’s ‘Hulk’, the actor was unable to remember a line for the first 10 days.

Recalling the surreal experience, Nick said: “I started so high that I couldn’t remember a line for the first 10 days.

“And Ang came up and said ‘do you think it’s time we string two words together?’ And I said ‘just about’.”

Nick – who has a 31-year-old son called Brawley with his third wife Rebecca Linger and a nine-year-old daughter by his current wife Clytie Lane – also confessed being famous can make people feel lonely.

He shared: “Fame is a parenthesis you live in and when you die they close those parentheses.

“Then you get a real definition of who you were. It’s living under the spotlight. Your mistakes are going to be seen and then they’ll be glorified in not a positive way.

“It’s a lonelier kind of life than I think anonymity is. It also teaches you how much privacy is valued and how much it is really what the citizens of the world would prefer to have rather than constantly being scrutinised by cameras and questions.”

WALKS INTO A BAR… BASEMENT CHALLENGE

Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, “If you can sit in my basement for a day, I’ll give you free beer forever.”

The first man walks out after five minutes and says, “It’s impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there.”

So the second man tries his luck, but can’t take more than an hour.

Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.

He says, “Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!”

http://jokes.cc.com/funny-walks-into-a-bar/ku660o/walks-into-a-bar—-basement-challenge

WALKS INTO A BAR… LEPRECHAUN PEE

A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat.

“If you know what’s good for you, don’t come near me again, or I’ll rip off your little tallywagger,” yells the mean-looking guy.

After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun.

“All right, I’ve got you this time. I warned you — now I’m gonna rip off your little tallywagger!”

The leprechaun laughs, “You can’t do that.”

“Why not?” asks his captor.

“Because,” giggles the leprechaun, “leprechauns don’t have tallywaggers.”

“Whadda ya mean you don’t have a tallywagger?” growls the angry man, “How in the hell do you pee?”

“Just like this,” laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.

http://jokes.cc.com/funny-walks-into-a-bar/taj8g8/walks-into-a-bar—-leprechaun-pee

WALKS INTO A BAR… THE BALLERINA

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, “Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me.”

The bartender replies, “What makes you think she’s a ballerina?”

“Because,” answers the drunken man, “any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina.”

http://jokes.cc.com/funny-walks-into-a-bar/80wdsw/walks-into-a-bar—-the-ballerina