Walks Into a Bar… Free Drinks

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.”But I already paid you. Don’t you remember?” says the customer.”OK,” says the bartender, “if you say you paid, then I suppose you did.”The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.The barkeep replies, “OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did.”The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.The bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the — “The man interrupts, “Don’t bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

Source: Funny Jokes | Walks Into a Bar… Free Drinks Joke | Comedy Central

A panda walks into a bar…

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says.

“For what?”

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”

The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda — look it up.” She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

http://jokes.cc.com/funny-walks-into-a-bar/bowiim/walks-into-a-bar—-randy-panda

My wife is chatting up a cross-dresser – Red Deer Advocate

Two months ago, I was looking at my wife’s cellphone because I needed a new one and wanted to see if hers was better. I was not looking for anything. Isn’t that always the case?ADVOCATE STAFFFri Jul 3rd, 2009 3:03pmLIFE Dear Annie: Two months ago, I was looking at my wife’s cellphone because I needed a new one and wanted to see if hers was better. I was not looking for anything. Isn’t that always the case?I ended up on her mobile Facebook site.I knew she had become reacquainted with her longtime high-school boyfriend, and I was cool with it. I am friends with a bunch of women from past relationships.Well, I stumbled upon a conversation that went from normal to questionable very quickly.She told him to call when I was not around. He responded, saying he was going to send her some photos.I confronted her in an easygoing way, and she told me they barely spoke and I’m crazy to think otherwise.When I told her I saw their conversation, she freaked.Then she showed me the photo he sent – it was of him in ladies’ underwear.I asked her to “de-friend” this guy and she refused, saying she didn’t want him to feel she was judging him.A month went by and I asked whether they had been in contact. She said “no,” but acted oddly, so I checked her phone again. Sure enough, they are still talking.She won’t go for counselling.I have asked many times because we have communication issues.I wish I could find a way to articulate how this situation has made me feel without looking like a jerk. – I Wear Boxers in MassachusettsDear Boxers: The fact that this man is a cross-dresser should be irrelevant, but sending intimate photos is out of bounds.Most cross-dressers are straight, and such communication could be a way for this man to get some sexual thrills.Your wife should not be encouraging it or doing it behind your back.Since you already have communication issues, counseling is a good idea, and as always, if she won’t go, go without her.Dear Annie: My husband used to be nice to have a conversation with.Now he gets angry and loud, and has a sharp answer for everything.He yells at me in public and his comments are very hurtful. He refuses to celebrate holidays.Could he be going through some health problems, or is he just changing as he gets older?He comes from a very angry family, and I wonder whether this is genetic.His sister is hateful toward her husband, and his father treats his mother shamefully. Everyone tells me to leave him because he is so verbally abusive, but I love him and want to help. – Need Guidance in OhioDear Ohio: There could be a genetic component, although it’s just as likely it’s learned behavior from growing up in such a dysfunctional family.Still, a change in demeanor can indicate a medical problem, so it would be wise for him to get a complete checkup, and you should suggest this for his general health. Before the appointment, alert the doctor to the behavioral problem because your husband is apt to stay mum on the subject.Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net.

Source: My wife is chatting up a cross-dresser – Red Deer Advocate

Walks Into a Bar… Sexy Lincoln

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, “Going to a party?”  “Yeah, a costume party,” the man answers, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.””But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protests the bartender.”That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”

Source: Funny Jokes | Walks Into a Bar… Sexy Lincoln Joke | Comedy Central

Canada briefs – January 27 – Red Deer Advocate

Canada briefs – January 27The RCMP are investigating a strange incident in which a man was found handcuffed to a telephone pole in his underwear Tuesday morning near Nanaimo, B.C.ADVOCATE STAFFThu Jan 27th, 2011 4:37pmCANADA & WORLD Man in underwear found handcuffed to telephone poleThe RCMP are investigating a strange incident in which a man was found handcuffed to a telephone pole in his underwear Tuesday morning near Nanaimo, B.C.The 24-year-old man was suffering mild hypothermia when police freed him in the town of Lanzville. He told them he’d been abducted and beaten by a group of men who later handcuffed him to the pole, stripped him down to his boxers and stole his wallet.Police say the man won’t tell them who his attackers were or what the motive was.

Source: Canada briefs – January 27 – Red Deer Advocate

MAN EATS UNDERWEAR TO BEAT BREATHALYZER

underwear

Man Eats Underwear to beat breathalyzer

Red Deer (Alberta, Canada) Advocate:
MAN EATS UNDERWEAR TO BEAT BREATHALYZER

STETTLER — An 18-year old Stettler man tried to eat his underwear in the hope that the cotton fabric would absorb alcohol before he took a breathalyzer test, provincial court heard this week.

David Zurfluh was subsequently acquitted of a charge of impaired driving because he blew .08, the legal limit. But the testimony broke up people in Judge David MacNaughton’s provincial court here Thursday afternoon.

Mr. Zurfluh was collared by RCMP Const. Bill Robinson after he ran from his vehicle, which had been seen weaving down the highway. While sitting in the back of the patrol car, Mr. Zurfluh tried to eat his shorts, Const. Robinson told the court.

Mr. Zurfluh said he ripped the crotch out of his shorts, stuffed the fabric in his mouth and then spit it out. A class of law students from William E. Hay Composite High, in court as observers, was removed by the teacher when testimony enlivened the proceedings. The Grade 11 and 12 students had difficulty maintaining composure. “People were leaving the courtroom with tears in their eyes, trying not to laugh,” said RCMP Const. Peter McFarlane.