|1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.|
|2. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.”|
|3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.|
|4. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”|
|5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.|
|6. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”|
|7. A prison guard is shaving your head.|
|8. Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.|
|9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.|
|10. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.|
|11. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”|
|12. He keeps citing the legal case of “Godzilla v. Mothra“.|
|13. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”|
|14. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.|
|15. The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.”|
|16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”|
|17. He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”|
ARIES Drinking style Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don’t know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They’re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you — so long as you haven’t gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
TAURUS Drinking style Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler — god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
GEMINI Drinking style Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much — they’re so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it’s just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round — repetition is boring — and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.
CANCER Drinking style Cancer is a comfort drinker — and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can’t it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists — and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get “tired and emotional” (read: weepy when lubricated). But there’s nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you’d be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
LEO Drinking style Leo likes to drink and dance — they’re often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they’re quite aware they’re darling – Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue — and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But Leo’s not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.
VIRGO Drinking style Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure — but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked — but, oh, when they do! Virgo’s controlled by the intellect, but there’s an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It’s dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, “I’m going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight.” A toast to the subgenius IQ!
LIBRA Drinking style “I’m just a social drinker,” slurs Libra, “it’s jusht that I’m so damn social?” Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to “on”) or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble — including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend’s beau or even blacking out the night’s events entirely. Oops!
SCORPIO Drinking style Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, for they’ll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they’re hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool — though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they’re fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything — especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS Drinking style In vino veritas — and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else — like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN Drinking style Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty — no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they’re either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
AQUARIUS Drinking style Aquarius and drinking don’t go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they’re more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they’re throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they’re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative — and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they’re usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
PISCES Drinking style If you’re a Pisces, you’ve probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality — with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase “addictive personality” can be read two ways, you know.
This is my friend. I like this Cop.
I meet him at the Donut Shop.
I cannot make him look too bad;
I must not, must not make him MAD.
I must not make him mad you see,
We’re working out an arson plea;
It will not help me anyway;
He ALWAYS knows just what to say.
The Prosecutor smirks at me,
“Your gal was DRUNK, you must agree;
“Her guilt is clear. Why look in Books?
“Facts are facts, and
CROOKS are CROOKS!”
Our carefully constructed questions
Are interrupted by objections;
To keep the D.A. in his place,
Show the Judge the perfect case,
And he will overrule with HASTE
And put that scoundrel in his place:
“Sit down! Sit down!
You let her be!”
“She is so very SMART, you see!”
We see them come.
We see them go.
Some are fast.
And some are slow.
Not one of them is like another.
Don’t ask us why.
Go ask your mother.
The cross is now over, this battle is won.
The client is grinning, the D.A. is glum.
The judge is impressed with my style and my knowledge.
(I did graduate from a four-year state college.)
The jurors are beaming, they bought what I said.
The officer’s sitting there, scratching his head.
Now on to the demo, and remember, it’s true:
Do as I say, and
Dear Mother, dear Mother, the Church is cold,
But the Ale-house is healthy & pleasant & warm;
Besides I can tell where I am use’d well,
Such usage in heaven will never do well.
But if at the Church they would give us some Ale.
And a pleasant fire, our souls to regale;
We’d sing and we’d pray, all the live-long day;
Nor ever once wish from the Church to stray,
Then the Parson might preach & drink & sing
. And we’d be as happy as birds in the spring:
And modest dame Lurch, who is always at Church,
Would not have bandy children nor fasting nor birch.
And God like a father rejoicing to see,
His children as pleasant and happy as he:
Would have no more quarrel with the Devil or the Barrel
But kiss him & give him both drink and apparel.