Dear Miller

Milwaukee, Wisconsin_ 53201

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80’s). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama.

Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!

Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn’t like the new design.

Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:

  1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
  2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
  3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
  4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
  5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
  6. Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can. . . black!!!

Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There’s no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party (the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time).

These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.

The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.

Beer Type_____ Average Suck-point (minutes)
——————————————

 Miller Lite (white can)_______________6.2
 Bud (white can)_______________________5.5
 Bud Lite (silver can)_________________5.2
 Ice House (blue and silver can)______ 4.4
 Coors Lite (silver can)_______________4.1
 Miller Genuine Draft (black can)______2.8
 Coors (gold can)______________________0.1

 

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suck point, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.

It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.

Sincerely,

Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker

Dear Bradley Lee,

Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at MillerBeer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.

Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.

First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature.

Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staff working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinkers and Southern beer drinkers.

Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers._ We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.

However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes._ However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame. After reading your letter, we had our design staff work ’round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new “Wide Mouth” cans. We hope this will solve all your problems.

Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as “shot-gunning”. You should like the name.

Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am having our advertising department work on a campaign to solve this problem, too.

Sincerely,

Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co

New Beer Warning Labels

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Beer Trouble Shooting

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it as them.

Symptom: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
Fault: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don’t remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

The FDA is considering additional warnings on alcoholic beverages:

Some of the suggestions are as follows:

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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy

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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

******************************************

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.

*****************************************

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

******************************************

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

******************************************

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

******************************************

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

******************************************

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

******************************************

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

******************************************

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

******************************************

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

******************************************

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

******************************************

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

******************************************

Law Enforcement Translations

While on routine patrol…
(I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.)

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner…
(He had a bumper sticker that said “SLOW DOWN – DON’T FEED THE PIGS.”)

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
(It was raining.)

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
(It was too hot to ride in the car.)

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner…
(The dirtbag let go with an ‘Oink’ as I walked by.)

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history…
(He puked on my uniform one night.)

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past.
(I’ve got two theft cases hanging over his head.)

While being arrested, this subject resisted, being injured in the act.
(He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses.)

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations…
(I wrote him one citation for each swearword he used.)

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say “Come in,” so this writer entered through the door.
(The rock music was so loud they wouldn’t have heard Patton’s army, so I kicked in the door.)

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies…
(I sent them to a non-existent address, which I called the “Command Post.”)

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding…
(She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.)

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command.
(I sent him to the same address as the reporters.)

Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions.
(Tonight is my bowling night.)

The motorist’s eyes were glassy; he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of alcohol.
(He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.)

Using only enough force to restrain the subject…
(My favorite song is “Dropkick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalpost of Life.”)

The defendant asked this officer’s advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment…
(I told him he didn’t have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.)

End of the Internet

Congratulations!You have finally reached the end of the internet!There’s nothing more to see, no more links to visit.You’ve done it all.This is the very last page on the very last server at the very far end of the internet.You should now turn off your computer and go do something useful with the rest of your life. *Suggestions:Read a bookDo some public servicePersonally interact with your neighbors that you’ve probably only met onlinePlant a treeIntroduce yourself to those other people who live at your house (your family).* Please don’t forget to turn off the lights on your way out.In order to save time, we will now start downloading the internet to your local drive.

Source: End of the Internet

CNN – Iguana takes the wheel for man charged with DUI

Iguana takes the wheel for man charged with DUI: Forget Toonces the driving cat — here’s Finley the driving iguana.Heads were turning in Clearwater, Florida, Thursday when they saw a car apparently being driven by the 3-foot-long lizard, his claws clenched around the wheel.Two plainclothes cops say they were among those doing double-takes, and they followed the car for a couple of miles until it pulled over.They then found Finley’s owner slouched down in the seat. He was arrested for drunken driving and taken to jail. Finley was taken to an animal shelter.

Source: CNN – Iguana takes the wheel for man charged with DUI – June 13, 1997