WALKS INTO A BAR… DRUNK DRY CLEANING

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. “Wha’ my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me.”

“Relax,” the bartender says, “give me a five-dollar bill.” The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy’s shirt pocket. “Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned.”

“Thass a great idea!”

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. “Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?”

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, “Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned.”

The drunk’s wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, “There’s $10 in here!”

“Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too.”

http://jokes.cc.com/funny-walks-into-a-bar/ec4156/walks-into-a-bar—-drunk-dry-cleaning

Car slams into rehab center; 2 injured

MERRITT ISLAND, Fla. (WOFL FOX 35) – Two people are recovering after a vehicle slammed into a rehab center in Merritt Island.The crash happened around 9:30 a.m. at the Island Health and Rehabilitation Center on Alma Avenue. Florida Highway Patrol says the driver passed out while driving, crashed through a fence, drove through a grassy area, and then crashed into the rehab center.The vehicle crashed through the back of the building into a room where someone was sleeping. In the pictures above you can see the vehicle is fully inside the rehab center.Officials tell FOX 35 there were approximately 120 patients inside the building at the time of the crash.Brevard County Fire Rescue transported two patients, the driver and person sleeping, with only minor injuries.Troopers suspected that the driver was impaired by drugs. A blood sample was taken and charges are pending until those results are confirmed, according to FHP.The crash remains under investigation.

Source: Car slams into rehab center; 2 injured – Story | WOFL

WALKS INTO A BAR… THREE TESTS

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”

“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.”

“What are the three tests?” asks the man

“Gotta pay first.”

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

“OK, here’s what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila — the WHOLE thing at once — and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.”

“Well, I know I’ve paid my $10 bucks,” says the man, “but I’m not an idiot. No wonder you’ve collected so much money — that’s impossible!”

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

“Wherez zat teeqeelah?” he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside — barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

“NOW,” he says, “wherez at ol’ lady with the sore tooth?”

http://jokes.cc.com/funny-walks-into-a-bar/6twsm2/walks-into-a-bar—-three-tests

Walks Into a Bar… Seeing-Eye Dog

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, “What the hell are you doing?”The blind man turns toward the patron and says, “Oh, nothing, just looking around.”

Source: Funny Jokes | Walks Into a Bar… Seeing-Eye Dog Joke | Comedy Central