A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.
The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, “How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?”
The man says, “Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I’m gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home.”
A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears in bars.”
The bear replies, “If you don’t give me a beer, I’ll eat that lady over there.”
The bartender says, “Go ahead.”
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears on drugs.”
“What do mean,” asks the bear. “I’m not on drugs.”
“Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate.”
Nick Nolte has been taking the date rape drug GHB for “four years”.
The 76-year-old actor – who starred in ’48 Hours’ alongside Eddie Murphy – was arrested in 2002 for driving under the influence of alcohol and the drug, but he’s now admitted to being a regular user of the narcotic.
The actor said: “I’ve been taking GHB for four years and I’ve never been raped.
Despite checking into rehab, the actor continued drinking on and off until he stopped for good.
Speaking to the Daily Telegraph newspaper, he explained: “Now I can have drink and stop, but I used to fill the gaps between adrenaline rushes with booze and drugs.”
While starring in acclaimed director Ang Lee’s ‘Hulk’, the actor was unable to remember a line for the first 10 days.
Recalling the surreal experience, Nick said: “I started so high that I couldn’t remember a line for the first 10 days.
“And Ang came up and said ‘do you think it’s time we string two words together?’ And I said ‘just about’.”
Nick – who has a 31-year-old son called Brawley with his third wife Rebecca Linger and a nine-year-old daughter by his current wife Clytie Lane – also confessed being famous can make people feel lonely.
He shared: “Fame is a parenthesis you live in and when you die they close those parentheses.
“Then you get a real definition of who you were. It’s living under the spotlight. Your mistakes are going to be seen and then they’ll be glorified in not a positive way.
“It’s a lonelier kind of life than I think anonymity is. It also teaches you how much privacy is valued and how much it is really what the citizens of the world would prefer to have rather than constantly being scrutinised by cameras and questions.”
Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, “If you can sit in my basement for a day, I’ll give you free beer forever.”
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, “It’s impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there.”
So the second man tries his luck, but can’t take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, “Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!”