A panda walks into a bar…

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says.

“For what?”

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”

The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda — look it up.” She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

http://jokes.cc.com/funny-walks-into-a-bar/bowiim/walks-into-a-bar—-randy-panda

Cortland man pleads guilty to OVI crash that killed jogger

Brittany Szwedko was walking on the side of Ridge Road in Fowler Township when she was hit by Lauer last year.

WARREN, Ohio (WKBN) – The man accused of hitting and killing 27-year-old Brittany Szwedko pleaded guilty to the fatal crash in a Trumbull County courtroom Monday morning.

Szwedko was training for a half marathon when police say Russell Lauer III hit her along Ridge Road in Fowler Township and took off. She later died as a result of her injuries.

Monday, the victim’s family heard the word they had been longing to hear — “guilty.” Szwedko’s mother, Mary Kay, said she’s happy to finally hear Lauer say it.

The 43-year-old pleaded guilty to aggravated vehicular homicide, leaving the scene of an accident, and OVI.

“Emotionally, this is a tough case. I know that Brittany’s mother struggled with this case and it’s understandable,” said Assistant Prosecutor Mike Burnett.

Police said Lauer was extremely impaired behind the wheel, under the influence of alcohol and drugs, at the time of the crash in February of 2016.

Lauer left the scene but a witness followed him, eventually getting him to stop and holding him there until police arrived.

“We are thankful to that gentleman who doesn’t really want his name mentioned, but we are thankful to him for doing the right thing and stopping Mr. Lauer,” Burnett said.

Prosecutors said he has two prior convictions for driving while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, as well as a prior reckless operation charge and seven prior suspensions on his driving record.

They’ll be asking that Lauer serve eight years at sentencing — a hearing that will be scheduled at a later date.

This, as Szwedko’s family continues planning for her second memorial 5K in September.

Cortland man pleads guilty to OVI crash that killed jogger

My wife is chatting up a cross-dresser – Red Deer Advocate

Two months ago, I was looking at my wife’s cellphone because I needed a new one and wanted to see if hers was better. I was not looking for anything. Isn’t that always the case?ADVOCATE STAFFFri Jul 3rd, 2009 3:03pmLIFE Dear Annie: Two months ago, I was looking at my wife’s cellphone because I needed a new one and wanted to see if hers was better. I was not looking for anything. Isn’t that always the case?I ended up on her mobile Facebook site.I knew she had become reacquainted with her longtime high-school boyfriend, and I was cool with it. I am friends with a bunch of women from past relationships.Well, I stumbled upon a conversation that went from normal to questionable very quickly.She told him to call when I was not around. He responded, saying he was going to send her some photos.I confronted her in an easygoing way, and she told me they barely spoke and I’m crazy to think otherwise.When I told her I saw their conversation, she freaked.Then she showed me the photo he sent – it was of him in ladies’ underwear.I asked her to “de-friend” this guy and she refused, saying she didn’t want him to feel she was judging him.A month went by and I asked whether they had been in contact. She said “no,” but acted oddly, so I checked her phone again. Sure enough, they are still talking.She won’t go for counselling.I have asked many times because we have communication issues.I wish I could find a way to articulate how this situation has made me feel without looking like a jerk. – I Wear Boxers in MassachusettsDear Boxers: The fact that this man is a cross-dresser should be irrelevant, but sending intimate photos is out of bounds.Most cross-dressers are straight, and such communication could be a way for this man to get some sexual thrills.Your wife should not be encouraging it or doing it behind your back.Since you already have communication issues, counseling is a good idea, and as always, if she won’t go, go without her.Dear Annie: My husband used to be nice to have a conversation with.Now he gets angry and loud, and has a sharp answer for everything.He yells at me in public and his comments are very hurtful. He refuses to celebrate holidays.Could he be going through some health problems, or is he just changing as he gets older?He comes from a very angry family, and I wonder whether this is genetic.His sister is hateful toward her husband, and his father treats his mother shamefully. Everyone tells me to leave him because he is so verbally abusive, but I love him and want to help. – Need Guidance in OhioDear Ohio: There could be a genetic component, although it’s just as likely it’s learned behavior from growing up in such a dysfunctional family.Still, a change in demeanor can indicate a medical problem, so it would be wise for him to get a complete checkup, and you should suggest this for his general health. Before the appointment, alert the doctor to the behavioral problem because your husband is apt to stay mum on the subject.Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net.

Source: My wife is chatting up a cross-dresser – Red Deer Advocate

Man sentenced in September crash that killed friend

John J. Stephenson
John J. Stephenson
 A Fort Wayne man who was drunk when he crashed an off-road vehicle last September, resulting in an Ohio man’s death, was sentenced to prison.
John J. Stephenson, of the 1100 block of Branstrator Road, was sentenced Friday in Allen Superior Court to serve eight years of a 12-year prison sentence, with four years on probation, for causing death while operating a motor vehicle with an alcohol concentration greater than .15 percent, a Level 4 felony. His driver’s license also is suspended for five years.

Four related charges of operating while intoxicated were dismissed.

Stephenson pleaded guilty last month, admitting he was driving an off-road vehicle with his passenger, 21-year-old Alex M. “Tank” Tetzloff of Sandusky, Ohio, at about 2 a.m. Sept. 23 in the 8800 block of Kress Road, south of Airport Expressway near Branstrator Road, when the John Deere Gator veered off the southwest Allen County road and flipped, killing Tetzloff, according to the probable-cause affidavit.

Police said the vehicle sped into a ditch before it flipped.

Tetzloff, who died of blunt-force trauma due to the crash, was the 25th traffic fatality in Fort Wayne and Allen County in 2016. Stephenson was taken to the hospital with minor injuries. They were not wearing helmets, but wore seatbelts, police reported.

Becky Tetzloff addressed the court on Friday, saying, “We are frozen in time … because you decided to drink, drive and kill again.”

Stephenson faced similar charges and received prison time after he struck a family’s station wagon Oct. 27, 1994 on Winchester Road near Bluffton Road, resulting in the Oct. 31 death of 6-year-old Daniel Frost. His parents, Walter and Ellen Frost, as well as their 12-year-old son, Matthew, were injured in the accident.

In that accident,  Frost had come to a stop near the intersection when Stephenson’s westbound truck struck the vehicle from behind. Stephenson then turned around and sped off in the opposite direction. A passer-by saw the accident and followed the truck. The passer-by called police on his car phone and gave a description of the truck and the direction in which it was heading. The passer-by continued to follow Stephenson after he abandoned the truck and fled on foot. Police placed him under arrest.

In March 1995, Stephenson was sentenced to serve six years of an eight-year sentence for operating a vehicle while intoxicated, causing a death, with the remaining two years to be served on probation, and two years of probation for failure to stop after an accident resulting in injury or death, that was served consecutively. He was ordered to take part in an alcohol abuse deterrent program.

Stephenson has prior convictions for OWI and multiple traffic violations, although he said Friday he had successfully abstained from drinking for 7 1/2 years.

Allen Superior Court Judge John Surbeck ordered Stephenson to pay restitution in the amount of $13,552.05 to the Tetzloff family for funeral expenses.

Source: Man sentenced in September crash that killed friend – News-Sentinel.com

Walks Into a Bar… Sexy Lincoln

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, “Going to a party?”  “Yeah, a costume party,” the man answers, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.””But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protests the bartender.”That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”

Source: Funny Jokes | Walks Into a Bar… Sexy Lincoln Joke | Comedy Central

From Jail, Judge Astacio Fires Attorney Ed Fiandach in DWI Case

From Jail, Judge Astacio Fires Attorney Ed Fiandach in DWI CaseBy Spectrum News StaffTuesday, June 27, 2017 at 10:46 AM CDT0:00/0:52 Related StoriesFour More Weeks Behind Bars for Jailed JudgeUpdated 06/08/2017 02:45 PM WATCH: Judge Says ‘You Are Self-Sabotaging Any Chance You Had’06/05/2017 03:15 PMROCHESTER, N.Y. — Jailed Rochester City Court Judge, Leticia Astacio has fired her attorney, for real this time. Ed Fiandach’s office confirms he received a fax notifying him that she has retained attorney Mark Young. This comes a few weeks after Fiandach was told by Astacio’s sister that he was fired. Astacio retracked, saying her sister over stepped her boundaries.Astacio remains jailed in Livingston County after rejecting a judge’s offer to plead guilty to violating the terms of her DWI sentence. Astacio was convicted of DWI last August and was sentenced to a one-year conditional discharge, meaning she couldn’t drink alcohol. She’s accused of violating those conditions several times. She’ll remained jailed on no bail until at least July 6th when she’s due back in court.

Source: From Jail, Judge Astacio Fires Attorney Ed Fiandach in DWI Case

Georgia State University police chief charged with DUI

The police chief of Georgia’s largest university is accused of driving under the influence of alcohol following a June 18 traffic stop.

Georgia State University Police Chief Joseph Spillane was stopped by the Fayetteville Police Department. Local media report he’s also charged with having an open container of alcohol and failing to maintain his lane.

Video shows Spillane repeatedly told officers he was a police chief. “I’m cool. I’m safe to drive. I’m the chief of police,” Spillane says at one point.

Spillane tells WXIA-TV that he may have had one drink at a friend’s house. However, he says he doesn’t believe he was under the influence of alcohol while driving.

Spillane is free on $2,000 bail and on paid leave from Georgia State pending the case’s outcome.

Canada briefs – January 27 – Red Deer Advocate

Canada briefs – January 27The RCMP are investigating a strange incident in which a man was found handcuffed to a telephone pole in his underwear Tuesday morning near Nanaimo, B.C.ADVOCATE STAFFThu Jan 27th, 2011 4:37pmCANADA & WORLD Man in underwear found handcuffed to telephone poleThe RCMP are investigating a strange incident in which a man was found handcuffed to a telephone pole in his underwear Tuesday morning near Nanaimo, B.C.The 24-year-old man was suffering mild hypothermia when police freed him in the town of Lanzville. He told them he’d been abducted and beaten by a group of men who later handcuffed him to the pole, stripped him down to his boxers and stole his wallet.Police say the man won’t tell them who his attackers were or what the motive was.

Source: Canada briefs – January 27 – Red Deer Advocate